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I think I started loving him
The very day we met in high school—
Almost ten years ago,
And Ben’s still my closest friend.
We finish each other’s sentences,
Shop for clothes together,
See movies and double date.

We sit together, his girlfriend to the right,
My girlfriend to the left. And sometimes
Our legs, our thighs rest against each other,
There in the darkness where no one can notice.
I suppose I do love him, as guys love their buds.
And yeah, we hug sometimes when we meet.
I hug him again when he leaves.

Sure, he’s spent the night at my house,
As I have slept at his. But lately,
Things seem to have changed.
I’ve noticed his eyes drop to my lips when I speak.
His hugs are tighter and maybe a bit longer.
Maybe it’s all in my head, I dunno. You know?
It feels complicated, cuz I’m closer to him
Than I ever was to my brother. So the bond is strong.
And warm. And sometimes our fights can be passionate.

Two weeks ago, he totally pissed me off
And I shoved him hard. He fell onto my bed,
He seemed surprised and was looking up at me
With dark piercing eyes, and he doesn’t move,
Except he kinda lifts one knee and shifts his thighs apart.
And I swear to god, he’s more handsome than me,
For a minute, I started to get hard.
So I said, “I’m gonna get a beer. You want anything?”
And he says, “Go get your beer. I need time to think….”

And in the kitchen, I had this wild thought—
What if he’s naked when I go back?
I kept thinkin’, what do I do if he wants
Something I can’t give? Or is it me
That wants something closer from him?

Well, he wasn’t naked when I went back.
So we lay there on my bed and watched
A Yankees game on TV. We didn’t touch.
We didn’t even talk. And that’s never happened before.
Silence was just all over the room.
I even thought maybe I need to quit my job,
Move away, maybe out to San Francisco.
Then I wondered, why was I thinking San Francisco?
That’s where all the gay guys live….
How fucked up is that?

So when he left, I didn’t hug him.
And an hour later, he calls me and says,
“I think we need to talk…”
Of course I said, “Sure, anytime.”
And he says, “I’m gonna come back over.”
Now I’m sitting and waiting and my mind
Is running 100 mph and I feel scared.
What’s he gonna say? What should I say?
I mean, what if he says “Let’s first take a swim”?
Cuz sometimes we just swim nude, ya know?

Fuck. It was like I read his mind.
He walks through the door and says
“Let’s go for a swim. I’m feeling hot.”
He strips out of his jeans and tee,
And he has no underpants on, going commando,
Which he’s never done before.
I swear to god, I look and he’s got a semi.
“You coming along with me?” So yeah, I follow.
And I’m naked walking behind him
Looking at his ass. Oh, my god. I was getting’ hard.

He dives into the water, and I dive behind.
It feels like I got butterflies in my stomach, ya know?
So we swim a bit, and he starts splashing water.
And then he says, “So what are we gonna do about this?”
I say, “About what, Ben?” “About us….”
And I don’t know what to say. And then I started to cry.
He swims closer and just holds me, right there,
Naked in my pool. Right there, naked in my pool…